Mommy?

Have you ever been so scared that every nerve combusts with panic and your body shuts down into a paralyzed state?  An electrical surge is sent through the palms of your hands to break open the sweat glands and an unstable shiver is felt at the top of your anus.  This is a moment of sudden panic, also known as Panica.   

I remember the first time I experienced Panica- I was 6 years old. 

It was a cold evening in the city of Torrance, heavy fog laid low like an aging woman’s breasts- dragging, but never touching the floor.  My mom, two older brothers and I went to the local Pick ‘n Save; where you could purchase recalled items at a bargain price…it doesn’t get any better than Pick ‘n Save.  While my mom pushed a wobbly wheeled shopping cart that screamed for an oil lubricant, my brothers walked ahead of her and I stayed close by her side.  The shopping cart is a symbolic item; it becomes your property within the first rotation of its wheels, it is like “home base,” where the family must convene after items have been chosen.  It is the fort of safety.  In the unfortunate situation when you are separated from the pact, always trace your steps back to The Cart. 

I followed my mom up and down the aisles collecting senseless items like a $0.75 beaten box of rat traps because “it will come in handy someday.”   She took sluggish steps as she slowly scanned the shelf for more products- although, I hardly consider marshmallow Easter Peeps “product” in the middle of winter.  A suicidal contraption caught my attention; I reached my hand toward the Swiss Army Knife-like death trap to understand its features and pulled it open.  BROKEN.  Pick ‘n Save products:  made in China, recalled in Tijuana and resold at Pick ‘n Save.  I put the disabled Edward Scissor Hand device back on the shelf then turned to follow my mom... 

SHE WAS GONE.  THE CART WAS GONE.  I WAS PANICA. 

A sudden shock of anxiety took over my body; my blood went cold, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and I lost all sense of reason.  The familiar aisle started to crack in half as hot lava pushed its way up separating me further like I was in an Alice in Wonderland film on acid.  I felt pounding heartbeats in my chest and in my bladder that triggered an urge I could not control. Dang it.  I struggled to move my legs and walk forward but just like in a bad dream, I made no progress.

"Mommy, mama, mom, mommy, mommmmaaaa?" I frantically searched for my mom, looked left and right while yelling out for “MOM!” it was only other mothers who responded to my cry for help.  Where is my momma?   I saw a dark haired woman in the distance- MOM!  She slowly looked over her shoulder to reveal her George Lopez face….RAPE!  She was not my mom.

At that moment I fought hard to hold back my tears, it was as difficult as trying to sneeze with my eyes open.  Simply impossible.  Salty tears rolled down my cheeks and onto my lip, the knot in my throat felt as if I had swallowed a sock but suddenly like a mirage in a sandstorm my mom appeared from Aisle 5 nonchalantly pushing her faulty cart.  All my fear, panic and anguish turned to anger, rage and resentment.  I escaped flowing hot lava and suffered from a mild stroke all while she continued to shop for a 6 pack of tube socks?   All the stress she had caused me in three minutes,  I aged 14 days.  I could not believe this woman.