Slut Babies

Ahhh the tender age of preteens or as some call: tweens.
I call them Slut Babies.

Barely menstruating with a training bra yet to fill and mouth full of braces these pre-whores know how to get any predator to come knock on the door with a bag full of condoms and beer. They provocatively pose for pictures as they show off their pierced bellybutton and baby fat. “Kissy face” is a popular look among the slut babies; it’s a mating call to their puberty stricken male counterpart. In two simple movements by pursing lips together and looking to the upper corners of eyes, you have: MySpace whore circa 2004.

Nonsensical chatter of peacock cry like voices are heard from the row behind during a movie.  They kick your chair, they smack their gum, they don’t stop moving and I want a pack of wild wolves to chase them back to Limited Too.  Where are your parents? Oh that’s right, they dropped you off at the mall because they can’t stand you either.

In grade school there is always that one girl who is the “ring leader” in a group of friends.  She is the pretty one with all the stylish clothes and an attitude of Napoleon.  She is the first among her friends to wear makeup, the first to shave her legs and the first to get mono.  She is: Sovereign Slut Baby. Every move would be followed by her cohorts and by the unfortunate mistake of disagreeing with her choice in lip gloss; you are exiled and sent to the lunch table of dweebs. Brrr, that’s a dark corner.  If her majesty got a push up bra, then you must too.  It is the law of the playground; zero tolerance for reform. Enjoy your time in office Sovereign Slut Baby, you are at your prime because after high school you will wear a size 14 and work at Dairy Queen- the anticipated curse of every “popular girl.”

Slut babies can be seen anywhere.  They stand four feet tall bunched into groups that multiply by the minute like an infectious bacterium.  Usually spotted at shopping malls, frozen yogurt shops or the local In ‘n Out.  We must take a stand against slut babies, pre-whores and micro hookers to cover their midriff, remove their makeup and wash away their juvenile promiscuity. INNOCENCE! Alas, we meet again!