Tall and lanky she stood in disproportionate size;
hands too large for her delicate, freckled wrists yet feet wide like snowshoes
to support her heavy strides. An elegant
little boy, a walking contradiction- there she was, new comer Aussie Kristen
Caprino.
She was the new girl at Saugus High School and much
to the popularity of the late Steve Irwin; Kristen was exotic within the SCV
bubble. Every square inch of her 5 foot
11 inch body glowed a golden tan yet her long blonde hair was still virgin to a
proper comb. This 15 year old was just forming
into a woman and hitting puberty in inconsistent segments- her total babe
potential was only beginning.
“Hi, I’m Kristen” her deep voice bellowed like the
drone of a fog horn as she introduced herself to me. Having never heard a fellow female reach the
baritone levels of Hades, I was impressed.
I cleared my throat and lowered my vocals an octave lower than my
harmonic competition; it was an acapella duel of subterranean voices.
“I’m Janica.” Introductory words left my mouth and
traveled an auditory wavelength so low that only transmitter radio and
seahorses could hear.
“Wot?” She reverberated in an inaudible twang while
the booming bass in her voice vibrated through the valves of my heart- I had
found my choral twin.
Kristen has been my best friend since 2004; my ethnically
inverted twin, my comical counterpart and my non-judgmental confidant. After having gone through radical cosmetic
dental reconstruction, she understands the worth of adjusted beauty. Her humility is recognized by the blessing of
not physically peaking too soon and now at 24 years old she has grown into the
handsome woman that she is today. She has top of the pyramid, naturally
selected genes and God has naturally selected her bangin’ bod- she’s a full
rack, baby back babe.
I have watched Kristen eat a Big Mac in 2 minutes
flat. She doesn't chew because chewing is for the weak. To Kristen, inhaling food is the quickest method
of nourishment and time isn’t an option for her. Her body constantly needs
sustenance for optimal performance, she is a beasting machine. The circumference of her bites exceeds
maximum allowance- objects in Kristen mouth appear smaller than actual
size. Consumption records are set and indigestion
is triggered when food is in the line of sight of Kristen. The only obstacle that stands in the way of
Kristen and her food is self-control and that is a force she lacks. A real testimony of dedication, Kristen eats
like a malnourished refugee.
On a recent trip to Las
Vegas, Kristen and I had adverted crisis.
Her sound judgment during a moment of peril saved us from having a
threesome with an Italian playboy. We
swooned over his chiseled jaw line and genuine Italian tan; he was symmetrical
from head to toe and our ovaries were burning with desire. But no amount of
Italian love potion could make Kristen and I have lesbian interaction.
“Gerrrls,
gerrrls, I go to bathroom and when I come back we make mangia tutte bene!”
Kristen and I looked at each other signaling emergency
response Morse code with our eyes and like a specialized military SWAT team, we
ran. We grabbed our purses and ran.
“KEEP
RUNNING!” Kristen commanded.
Out of breath we giggled down the hall as we ran
barefoot and clenching onto our belongings.
It was a sly move if we hadn’t of slammed the door, left a sock and
telephoned Mr. Italy to apologize.
Kristen’s DNA is missing the unnecessary compound
called “drama.” This allows her fun and easy going energy to fill a room with
joy in any circumstance. Give Kristen
some lemons and she will smash that shit with her bulky palms to make the best
god damn lemonade known to man. Ah, shit
that’s fresh. There are only two people
in the world that can bring smiles to one’s faces just by looking at them:
Magic Johnson and Kristen Caprino. A
single glance at her unsuspecting face can lift spirits up in their darkest
hour, like witnessing a birth of a blue whale looking at Kristen is a
privilege.
I have the honor of calling Kristen my best
friend. She is loyal, funny, motivated,
a gorgeous future lawyer and the best damn human being to walk the face of the
earth. Be thankful to have the
opportunity of knowing her. Happy 24th
Birthday Kristen Caprino.
