There are some people who believe that meeting new people is as painful as pulling nose hairs with plastic tweezers. There are some who love to meet new people to talk and talk just to hear the sour sound of their own voice. Then there are the rest of us who think it could go as awkward as finding an almond in your purse and having the tempting urge to eat it but you are too concerned if someone is watching because you are in line at the bank- that has never happened to me, I don’t know what you’re talking about…
The times I meet people with the most enthusiasm is when I walk into a Super Wal-Mart or make eye contact with dogs. Dogs cannot get enough of me. They make B-lines straight to my crotch like I am smuggling Bacon Bits in my panties then they proceed to vigorously hump my leg until their “lipstick” has gone raw. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes, my milkshake does bring all the dogs to the yard.
Meeting new people is awkward for me. Or I continually make it awkward by extending my hand to give a confident, firm shake and by hand I mean left hand. I don’t like shaking right hands; I don’t know where it’s been. Safety first! Two hands hesitantly hover in front- like puzzle pieces, the hands don’t connect and frustration builds with every attempt to meet. I cup my hand to cradle the backside of the unsuspecting hand like innocent spooning. I am the big spoon, you are the little.
“Pleased to meet you” I say in a suave manner. If I had a gold tooth, now would be the time to let it peek through my coy smile. By now, the awkwardness of the situation has just been confirmed and my victim scans through their internal rolodex of viable excuses.
“Well would you look at the time? I forgot I have to go to…to…to that corner, over there. Far away.”
What a shame, I didn’t get a chance to talk about my arthritis.
